PS I love you
By: Cindy
Email: sg1phileshipper@skynet.be
Disclaimer: We all know by now that they don't belong to us. The CSI gang is property of Anthony E Zucker, CBS and Alliance-Atlantis productions. I'm just taking Grissom and Sara out for a ride on a rollercoaster and I'll return them by sunset. No need to sue me.
Rating: G
Classification: Fluff, Sara POV
Keywords: GSR
Spoilers: Invisible Evidence. Nothing major really
Summary: Sara's thoughts after the episode. She ends up writing Grissom a letter.
Author's Note: My first attempt at writing CSI fanfiction. It's short and silly really, but I'm working on some more angst. Hope some of you will like this. Geek Love Rules.
Dedication: To Leslie, just because.
PS I LOVE YOU
As I walk on the parking lot, I pull my jacket tighter around my body. Not because it's cold, but because I'm still shivering. I still don't know what got into me when I asked Grissom to pin me down. I guess I didn't expect him to oblige. But he did. And I don't think I'll ever be able to wipe the image of his face so close to mine from my tired brain. I've been tired for more than three years. I've been tired ever since I came back to Vegas and fell head-over-heels for my boss. I've been living on the edge of a breakdown ever since I realized my all-consuming feelings for him and I don't know how long I'll be able to hold on. I need more stability in my life. I need to get out of here before I break beyond repair.
I bite my lip as I approach my car and try to fight a single tear slowly rolling down my cheek. I don't want to break down: Not here and certainly not right now. I'm stronger than this. I have been able to hold my feelings in check for three years, so I think I can manage for a few more minutes. Please, don't do this now. Just let me go to the warmth and safeness of my lonely apartment. My lower lips starts to tremble and the last thing I remember is leaning against my car, before all my walls slowly crumble down one by one. My sobs rise from my chest and I try to stop them, I swear I really do. But I can't, not right now. It has been too long and it has been too painful. I need him; I need him so much it hurts. As the tears wash over my face one by one, I slowly slide down on the cold, hard floor, hugging my knees to my chest. I'm breaking into a million pieces and the only person I want to pick up the pieces, I can't have.
Through my clouded eyes, I hear, rather than see someone cautiously approaching. I wipe my eyes with my sleeve, but the more I wipe the wetter my eyes become. As soon as I hear his voice, more tears start cascading down my cheeks.
"What's wrong?" He slowly sinks down next to me and gently puts his hand on my shoulder.
I shake my head. I can't tell him what's wrong. "I'm okay," I manage to mumble through tears. I can feel him shifting next to me and I freeze when I feel his hand travelling down my arm.
"You need to get up, Sara. You're gonna freeze on this cold floor." His voice is barely above a whisper.
Despite my inner turmoil, despite my broken heart and despite the fact that I haven't stopped sobbing for the past five minutes, I manage a smile. Only Grissom can make me feel this way. He's the only one who has a key to my heart. I just wish I had the guts to tell him that. "I'll hardly freeze to death. This is Vegas." I smile weakly and take a chance to look up at him. What I see in his eyes makes my heart stop. I see concern; worry and I swear I see the shimmer of a tear in the corner of his eye. But it's probably my own tears clouding my judgement.
Grissom gets up and he offers me his hand. "You need to get home," he softly says, not waiting for me to take his hand. He kneels down in front of me and takes my two hands in his and pulls me to my feet. "Your hands are freezing Sara." He softly rubs them with his thumb, but before I fall even more, I pull them away.
"I'm fine, Grissom." I look up at him and he shakes his head, opening his mouth to speak. "I really am."
He lets out a soft groan. "Yeah, of course you're fine. That's why I found you crying for no apparent reason in the middle of the LVPD parking lot." He puts his hand on my shoulder and I shudder. His voice softens. "Why can't you tell me what's wrong?"
I swallow the lump that has formed in my throat and try to find my voice. "Why?"
He shakes his head in confusion. "Why what?"
I look down at my feet and take a deep breath. "Why do you wanna know what's wrong with me?" I look him in the eyes and I know that it's now or never. I might as well confront him right now. "I just wanna know why…" I softly mumble and keep looking at him. I see him swallow and he's fighting to find his voice.
A few minutes later he is still standing there, trying to find his voice. He just looks at me dumbfounded and I can't stand it anymore. I gently push him away and open my door, failing to notice a single paper falling to the ground. "That's all I needed to know." My voice is breaking, but I don't care about that right now. I need to get away from him; I need to get away as far as I can. I slam my door shut and speed off, not casting one look in my rear-view mirror. I have to get out of here as fast as I can. I need to get away as far as I can. I guess I need a lot of things I can't deal with right now.
I don't remember how I got to my apartment. I don't even remember which way I drove. I'm here now and I guess that's all that matters. As I slam the door shut behind me, I remember something in my pocket. I need to get it out of there and burn it, before anyone can ever read it. I really intended to do something with it, but I can't. Not anymore. I reach into my pocket and my eyes turn wide in shock. A soft moan escapes my lips. I can't believe I lost the paper. What am I gonna do now? I check all my pockets and bow my head: It's gone. I have lost the most important thing I ever wrote and I fall to the floor, not bothering to fight the tears. I lie on the hard floor on my side and let my emotions and strong feeling wash over me. How could I lose something so important? Something I had written just little over an hour in the locker room. Someone will find it. But I don't care, not anymore.
~~FLASHBACK, LOCKER ROOM, ONE HOUR EARLIER~~
I sit down on the bench and lean against my locker. I take a pen and paper out of my bag and let out a sigh. I need to get some things of my chest before it eats me away. As I start writing, I realize that I have so much to say.
Dear Grissom,
I don't know where to start with this and I'm not sure I want to start. But I have to, if I ever want to get on with my life. I feel like I have to get out of here fast. I have to get as far away from you as I can, in order for me start living again. But I know that if I move on and leave you behind, I'll never live again.
This unbounded love has been growing inside my heart for so long and I have come to the point that I can't handle it anymore. It's tearing me apart; it's tearing apart who I really am. When I try to sleep, I keep thinking about you. How it would feel to fall asleep with your strong arms around me? How it would feel to lie close to you and take in your scen?. I have fallen head-over-heels for the only man I can't have. The only man who won't have me. And it's slowly ripping my heart in a million pieces. I need love; I need love so much that it hurts. I know someone else would be able to love me, but they are never good enough. I compare everyone that shows the slightest sign of interest in me to you. You slowly managed to seep into my entire being. And there's no way for me to escape it. Whether I want it or not, I am bound to you. And I don't know what to do to feel free again.
I was once told you only love with heart and soul once in a lifetime. I never thought much of it until I met you. You are so gentle, so caring, so consumed in everything you do.
Falling in love came as a surprise to me. I didn't mean for it to happen, but it did. And it never let me go ever since. It felt like a cold splash in my face, because I never imagined I would experience such an all-consuming love.
I don't belong to anyone and I never will, unless it's to you. I would give so much for this undying love to be returned.
I'm not gonna break down and cry in front of you. I don't want that to happen. I'm much stronger than that. But the way things are going, I don't know how much longer I'll be able to hold on. All I want to do is close my eyes and hope this tremendous feeling will be away when I open them again. I refuse to give in. I can't give in.
When you pinned me down earlier today, I forgot who I was for a second. You movements were so gentle and your gaze was so intense, that I had to break the contact. I had managed to keep my feelings to myself until today. When you were standing so close to me, everything came crushing back into my face. I could smell your after-shave and for a second I thought I saw something in your eyes. I guess I was wrong and it was just my imagination.
So I hope you understand why I need to get away from you and move on with my life. I know I can't live without you, but I can't live next to you either.
Love,
Sara.
I put the pen down and sigh, putting the letter in my pocket. Maybe some day I'll have the courage to give it to him.
~~END FLASHBACK~~
I don't know how long I've been on the floor, but I need to get up. My muscles are getting sour and I'm shivering. I should probably turn the heat up too. I should do a lot of things but I can't move. I don't want to move. I wanna lie here in my own misery for the rest of my life.
I hear a soft knock on my door, but I don't wanna face who ever is on the other side. The knocking continues, but my legs are too weak to support my weight. I take a deep breath and push on my arms and get up. I walk to the door on wobbly legs and I have almost reached my goal when they give in. I put my arms on the door for support and manage to lean against it before I fall down.
"Sara?" I hear his soft and hesitant voice. "You okay in there?"
I bite on my trembling lip. I can't see him right now. As much as I want to, I can't open the door.
"Sara, please open." His voice is soft and I swear I hear a sob. "I wanna know what's wrong because I care about you."
Despite my resolution to leave him outside, he manages to make a crack in my wall with little words. I lean back against the wall and open the door. He hesitantly walks past me and turns around to look at me.
He swallows and smiles at me. "I care about you, Sara. Probably more than you realize. And probable more than I realized myself." He holds a letter between his thumb and finger. I turn white with shock as I take the letter from him. He approaches me and puts his lips next to my ear. "I think you left something out."
I scan over the words I wrote down just little over an hour ago and I recognize his handwriting at the bottom of the letter. 'PS I love you' written in his very unique handwriting. I can't stop a huge smile forming on my lips.
"There's something I wanted to do ever since you asked me to pin you down." His hands come to rest on either side on my face and before I have time to register what's going on, I feel his lips on mine and he's softly kissing me. I can't remember a first kiss ever being so gentle. I think I must be in heaven right now. His lips leave mine for a second and he says the sweetest thing anyone ever said to me. "From now on, I'm gonna stop thinking." I feel the soft puff of air he lets out on my lips and I have to restrain myself from not attacking his mouth. His lips approach mine and when he's a notch of an inch away from he softly whispers, "I just wanna feel." His lips descend on mine and his kiss is even softer than before. And then I realize it: I feel whole again.
The End.